As you might have read a few weeks back, my partner and I bought a house together. It’s not the first time we are living together, we have rented a place before, but it is the first time where it’s permanent (I hope, haha). Now that we’ve settled in a little bit (we’re about a month in), I felt like it was time to divide the household work. We really sat down, made a list of all that needs to be done and then divided this equally among the both of us. I think this is essential for having a good and healthy relationship. Here’s why my partner and I divide the household work equally.
We chose to do this together
The most important reason for me to divide the work equally is because we chose to be a household together. The house and therefore the household work, belongs to both of us. And I see the household work completely separate from everything else we do in our lives. I have never understood why people don’t divide the household work 50/50. Why should one do more than the other? We both chose to live together, so in my mind that is an equal agreement where we split the responsibility in half. If you’re not prepared to do half the work, I don’t see the partnership in it.
Separate from work
I see the household work as something completely separate from everything else in our lives. It’s a choice we make separately from everything else. If one partner works 20 paid hours a week and the other works 40 paid hours a week, I still think the household work should be divided 50/50. That’s because I see working less paid hours as a choice you make for yourself, completely separate from sharing a household. If you’re able to contribute 50% of the household’s cost and have the room to work less paid hours and enjoy more freedom, I think that’s your own decision.
I think it’s unfair if one partner decides to work less paid hours, the other partner then says: wait a minute, now that you have bought yourself more freedom, I think you can do my part in the household work. This way you keep your partner trapped forever. If one partner works less paid hours, they will have to do more unpaid hours. I don’t see the sense in that to be honest.
But what if you don’t contribute 50% to the household expenses? I honestly think this is a situation that should be prevented at all costs, preferably before moving in together, because it creates a bond of dependence (more about that next time). In rare cases it can’t be prevented and one partner pays more than 50% of the household expenses, then I presume it’s also not possible to divide the household work 50/50. But that should be a rare exception. So in almost all partnerships, I would say the household work should be divided equally.
Unpaid work is work
Household work in your own house is unpaid work, but it is still work. Why should one person in an equal relationship do more unpaid work than the other? If one person does more unpaid or paid work than the other, there’s an imbalance in reward. The partner which does the most unpaid work, has a lower income, but does the same amount of net work. I think that’s extremely unfair. This partner then has a lot less autonomy, as our society runs on money. They get to spend less money like they want to, while they work just as hard as much as the other partner does. If you do more unpaid work, you built less pension and if the relationship fails you have less resources to find a new home. Unpaid work is work. Why would we reward one person more than the other, for the same amount of work they do?
How did we divide the work?
Here’s how my partner and I divide the work. We made an excel list with all the work that needs to be done each year. Some work needs to be done on a weekly basis, some once or twice a year. Some include mental work as well (like sending birthday cards or keeping track of the stocks). For each task we listed how much time it takes and we can edit these amounts of time as we go, because sometimes you find out a task takes you longer or shorter. We then divided the work that needs to be done on a monthly basis and divided in between the two of us. Our household work takes 46 hours (!) on a monthly basis, so we do 23 hours each. That’s about 5,75 a week per persoon.
This might sound extreme. Most couples don’t make excels for their household work, haha. But if you don’t, one person will 100% sure do more than the other. And that person doing more is always a woman in heterosexual relations. This can be seen when we look at hard data, but it’s also very logical as women in our society are taught to behave a certain way in our society. We are conditioned into seeing the work that needs to be done, while men don’t. We are expected to help out in the household at our parents from a young age, while men are usually not. Think about the Christmas dinner in your own household. Who gathers all family around, makes plans for what to eat, does the groceries, cooks the food and cleans the dished?
Hiring someone to clean the house
Some couples hire someone to do the household work for them. I am not a fan of this. That’s because of three reasons. The most important one for me is that when we hire someone to do the household work for us, we are never forced to speak about the division of household work. This way we never really speak about what it means for us to have an equal partnership. I think especially men need to confronted with this conversation. Especially if we want to have children. Because right now, when we don’t talk about the division of household work, women do the bigger share of the work. And when kids come into the picture this becomes a looooot worse.
The second reason is that when we hire someone to do our household work for us, it’s almost always a woman. This enables the idea of women doing household work. If we have kids, we teach them that women are people who work in the households, while men work outside of the home. They grow up thinking that all household workers are women. I think this re-enables the prejudices we already have. If we divide the work equally amongst partners, kids see that it’s normal to do it this way. And we all know: we lead by example. We need to show them what an equal partnership looks like.
And lastly, I think it’s an economical way of thinking. Most people who hire someone to do the household work for them, earn a higher hourly salary than the people they hire. That’s why they feel like it’s more profitable for them to do their ‘own’ work for more hours and hire someone who earns less to do the work at home. I feel like if keep this way of thought going, we will always value household work less than work outside the home and that’s unfair. Household work is work.
Equal expenses
I see a very important alignment between dividing the household work 50/50 and dividing the household expenses 50/50 as well. I’ll tell you more about that next time.
Yours sincerely,
Romee